You didn't really say that.

Wow, anyone remember Blasphemous Rumors? I'm beginning to think it completely applies to my life. The whole "when I die, I expect to find him laughing". Yep that's it Some big sick joke.

One day older and what do you get?

This is really hard and it sucks ass. Sorry for the language, but it really does. I'm really having a hard time finding a reason to live. I'm so sick of the day to day struggle for THIS life. What the hell am I fighting for anyway? Truth is, my main reason for not just taking myself out is that I don't trust him to raise the kids. I'm sure my mom would have to take care of them and I'm not real sure that she cares enough to give them a good life. On the other hand, I'm not sure the life I'm giving them is much better. I remember a time when I enjoyed playing with my kids. I took them everywhere with me. Maybe it's that I have no where to go. I just sit in my cave and watch the days go by. The husband never wants to do anything but sleep, so really, what's the point? Blah

Chew on this

Why would anyone want a burden? You have to make yourself a prize before he can see you as one. What exactly are you giving him to work for? What would he gain from making the extra effort? Encourage the tiny things. Think of it as practice for the big things. Would you “long” to be with someone who always made you feel like poop? What makes you think he’s any different?

If you are a prize then it will make him feel more important. Like he’s a man. Ouch. There in lies the reason why you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of someone else. You can’t spend your time waiting for someone else to make life worth living. Emotions are contagious. Spread the emotions you want to be around. If you’re always cranky so will others. If you're happy, others will be too.

Reality check

I'm at a place where all this negativity is killing me, physically, not metaphorically. So I've made the decision that I'm not getting divorced and I am going to find a way to make this marriage work. Knowing that it's impossible to change someone else, I am starting to change myself. First, I have to give up on my husband being the man I wished he was and start accepting him for what he is. Part of that means I have to live my life as if I'm not married. At least in the way my mind understands married, meaning the man takes care of certain things. So as of today, I'm setting my mind that I'm a single mom who happens to have some funny guy living with me (He really is a funny guy). Wish me well and I'll keep posting the ramblings of my brain for all to gawk at.

Ewwww I ended a sentence with a preposition! let's just pretend for a moment that we're all Japanese and I'm allowed to use postpositions. Okay? Thanks!

Some WHINE with your cheese?

The husband has done nothing but whine about how much pain he is in for months, actually years. No matter what is going on, HE has some gripe. When I had a C-section with my 3rd child, he told everyone how exhausted he was and proceeded to take a month off of work because of it. The part he left out was that 90% of his waking time was at night after everyone else was asleep. So tell me please just who he was taking care of that wore him out so much. It wasn’t as if he was up all night doing chores, prepping meals, or doing the grocery shopping. No, he left all those things for me. The reason for his exhaustion leaned more on the fact that he was taking my pain medicine. As a matter of fact, I had several days of dealing with the pain, because my husband had taken all my meds. Not so much fun a week after you’ve had your belly filleted. Anyhoo, Poor hubby and his back. I’ve found it quite interesting how he can be in such “pain” one day, but as soon as something happens that he wants to do, he is instantly better. Oh and you should see him poor it on when someone asks how he’s doing. The way he makes it out, his spine has popped out through his ears. He has a HUGE problem with addiction to pain meds. I’ve never know him to actually stick to the doctor’s instructions, as a matter of fact, the last prescription he had filled was a 2 week supply and he gobbled it down in a week. Here he’s been for 2 whole days without his blessed meds and, SURPRISE, his leg is twitching and he can’t sleep. HMMMMMMM brainiac, ever heard of withdrawal? When I had all my wisdom teeth pulled, he once again gobbled up my meds and left me to sit in pain. Little bit fed up and tired of it. Ugh, time for some Starbucks and a chance to make it all go away.

Are you kidding me with this?

Absolutely fed up with whiney men. Don’t want to hear anymore excuses, just man up and do what you are supposed to do. Guess the problem is that my dad was a real man. Remember the kind that put his family first and understood that it was his responsibility to protect and provide for his family? Yeah, I want one of those. Instead it seems that I married a whiney little cry baby who traded in his balls for a piece of bacon. Truth is, there’s no one to blame but me. He is the way he is and it’s just not what I truly wanted. Let us remember: It’s better to have a man worth marring than marry a man not worth having. Don’t like feeling trapped in this marriage. Believe it or not, I try to settle on the fact that I’ve signed up for a life sentence and I need to just accept things for the way the are and just deal with it. Not exactly my forte. As a stay home mom, I am dependant on my husband to provide for us financially. When he doesn’t go to work, he puts that in jeopardy. He doesn’t seem to understand how stressful it is to wonder everyday if he’s actually going to work or just going to stay home because his big toe hurts. I would love to be able to believe him when he tells me something, but his track record has proven over and over that his word means absolutely nothing. Blahhhhh. As stated before he was in the hospital for breathing problems. Doctor told him he needed to quit smoking. He was in the hospital for 5 days without a smoke and I congratulated him on a job well done. We’ve made the promise to quit smoking several times in the past (we‘ve both smoked for over 20 years), but every time, he starts up again. So this time around I’m thinking he would actually quit. Got the patches, tons of lollipops and Tic Tacs and thought we were ready to go. For some reason, the moron decided to smoke, a few hours later, he’s back at the hospital because he can’t breathe. YA THINK?!! Then he comes home wanting sympathy. Oh yeah, that’s exactly what you’re going to get. NOT! If you’re stupid enough to put your hand in the garbage disposal and then turn it on, you deserve to have your hand chopped to little tiny bits. Not that I’m bitter or anything, hee hee.

On a good note, I kicked cigarette’s butt and haven’t had even a puff off of one for 2 weeks.

Cinco de where am I?

Just to be honest, I have a slight problem with Cinco de Mayo. I’m not sure how a Mexican holiday became an American Holiday. Maybe the calender makers were all captured and distracted by margaritas and ever so tasty fajitas while someone snuck in and added it to the holiday lists! I was just complaining to a friend last night about how bizarre it is that we celebrate another country’s independence day. However, I learned this morning that it’s not actually their independence day, but rather a victorious battle they fought against the French. None the less, it's freaky that we in America celebrate it. I wonder if in Mexico they hold a moment of silence for Pearl Harbor every Dec 7th. Maybe Germany sets off fireworks every July 4th and I'm just oblivious to the practice. Be it what it may, it's a great day to get hammered on some Tequila while sporting a giant sombrero and stuffing your face with Mexican food. Ole!

for your reading enjoyment: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinco_de_Mayo